Hi. My name is Kunle Omope, let me tell you a story.
As the weathered luxury bus filled up at Oshodi and the
driver revved the engine in readiness for take-off, the unusual pockets of
noise here and there quietened.
Then, he rose up from the seat behind the driver, turned
around and faced the commuters. He was a neat looking man in his forties. His
hair had a sheen and the natural wavy curls that came from constant brushing.
Clearing his throat, he broke the silence.
"Those that don't know me will wonder who I am, but
those that know me will say, Uncle Joe, the solution Master has come again
o". Uncle Joe paused and flashed a bright toothy smile. He bent down and
lifted a burnished leather bag and placed it on the head rest of the seat on
which he was leaning and grasping on to as the bus swayed and swerved to escape
potholes.
He spoke again,
"Good morning my brothers and sisters, your wahala will
not kill me o, because it is because of you that I relocated from America so
that you will not be sick again. What do I have for my people today, wait and
see".
His hand went into the bag and produced a shiny packet,
pried it open and pulled out a small nylon pouch containing some brownish
powder.
"What you see in my hands my friends, is called the
SUPER DISEASE DESTROYER. People that know it call it SDD".
As he spoke, he passed around an empty pack of SDD and urged
the passengers to have a look and pass to their 'neighbours'.
Uncle Joe continued,
"Look at it very well, it has NAFDAC number. Now, what
does SDD do?"
He paused at this junction to gauge the curiosity of his
audience. He was making progress, so, he continued with his sales pitch.
“Whether it is Malaria, Typhoid, eye pain, ear ache, mouth
odour, itching of the body, menstrual pain, SDD will clear it all, one time!”
There was an eruption of “ohhs”, “aahhs”, “ehen” and many
more exclamations. This reaction from his audience encouraged Uncle Joe, so he
went on…
“For Malaria, and Typhoid, just pour one spoon inside one
bottle of 7up. If it is body pain, eye or ear pain, pour one spoon inside a
glass of original ogogoro and squeeze lime inside. Drink it first thing in the
morning, all the pain will disappear fiam!”
At this point Uncle Joe was becoming uncomfortable because
nobody was asking for SDD. Almost half of the commuters were sleeping. He then
decided to go for the kill.
And if you want to satisfy your woman very well every
night…I mean if you want her to be singing your praise every morning…if you
want to be a real man…with correct manpower, then just mix SDD with one tin of
milk and drink it before action starts…I swear… you will perform like a
piston…”
Immediately, sales picked up.
A bushy bearded man sitting at the back said,
“Give me 3 packets, malaria dey disturb me too much”
Another young man who all the while had headphones on
quickly made his request,
“Shebi you said it works for ear pain, give me 2packs, let
me treat this ear pain once and for all”.
Then, a tribal marked man seated by the window raised his
squeaky voice above everyone else and asked,
“Abeg Uncle Joe, give me one pack, this menstrual pain no
dey let me rest”.
The bus suddenly fell silent.
The End.
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